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Hi, I'm Phil!

SHIFT HAPPENS!

I've spent 16 years in the fluorescent purgatory of convenience retail. That’s roughly 5,840 shifts of watching humanity walk through a sliding glass door and leave all common sense behind. Somewhere between the caffeine-fuelled meltdowns and the endless customer confusion, I realise something:

Meet The Team!

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Me (Phil)

General Assistant

Took a “temporary” job in retail over a decade ago and never quite escaped. I came in thinking it’d be a stopgap — a few shifts, a bit of cash, and then on to something more… aspirational. Sixteen years, four uniforms later,

I’m still here!

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Dave

Store Manager

Technically the Store Manager. Practically?  Dave manages the shop almost exclusively from the office, which he treats like a personal fortress. He emerges only when absolutely necessary — like if a regional visit is happening, or he’s run out of biscuits.

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Gavin

Area Manager

Recently poached from a competing chain and boy does he want you to know it. Drops phrases like “cross-functional synergy” and “retail excellence” as if they’re magic spells that will fix the leaking fridge.

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Cheryl

Area HR Manager

Technically “Area HR Manager,” but she’s never been spotted making actual human contact. 

Once told someone to “smile more” during a disciplinary meeting.

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Karen

General Assistant

Been here since the store opened, possibly before that. Knows every barcode by heart and judges you silently when you use the scanner. If she glares at a customer long enough, they usually just leave.

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Josh

General Assistant

Fresh out of school, bless him. Still believes in things like “career progression” and “positive workplace culture.” Hasn’t yet experienced the soul-crushing reality of a holiday weekend shift.

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Jade

General Assistant

Can defuse a fistfight and start one with the same sentence. Calls everyone “babe,” including the delivery driver, a pigeon once, and possibly Satan. Works faster than anyone else.

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Marv

General Assistant

Only works two days a week, and somehow those are the worst days. Tells the same three stories every shift, none of which end, make sense, or appear to be legally true.

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Rita

General Assistant

Knows everyone’s business before it happens. Doesn’t work Tuesdays — we don’t ask why. Once got into a shouting match with a customer about whether Jaffa Cakes are biscuits or cakes.

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