Hi, I'm Phil!

Took a “temporary” job in retail over a decade ago and never quite escaped. I came in thinking it’d be a stopgap — a few shifts, a bit of cash, and then on to something more… aspirational. Sixteen years, four uniforms later,

I’m still here!

Technically the Store Manager. Practically?  Dave manages the shop almost exclusively from the office, which he treats like a personal fortress. He emerges only when absolutely necessary — like if a regional visit is happening, or he’s run out of biscuits.

Recently poached from a competing chain and boy does he want you to know it. Drops phrases like “cross-functional synergy” and “retail excellence” as if they’re magic spells that will fix the leaking fridge.

Technically “Area HR Manager,” but she’s never been spotted making actual human contact. 

Once told someone to “smile more” during a disciplinary meeting.

Been here since the store opened, possibly before that. Knows every barcode by heart and judges you silently when you use the scanner. If she glares at a customer long enough, they usually just leave.

Fresh out of school, bless him. Still believes in things like “career progression” and “positive workplace culture.” Hasn’t yet experienced the soul-crushing reality of a holiday weekend shift.

Can defuse a fistfight and start one with the same sentence. Calls everyone “babe,” including the delivery driver, a pigeon once, and possibly Satan. Works faster than anyone else.

Only works two days a week, and somehow those are the worst days. Tells the same three stories every shift, none of which end, make sense, or appear to be legally true.

Knows everyone’s business before it happens. Doesn’t work Tuesdays — we don’t ask why. Once got into a shouting match with a customer about whether Jaffa Cakes are biscuits or cakes.